THE ADVENTURES OF MR. NICE GUY
(Based on partly true events in the life of a free-lance advertising consultant in Palm Beach County)

Mr. Nice Guy Romances

an Auto Dealership

Chuck Jamm, sales manager for "In & Out Motors," explained to Mr. Nice Guy why car dealers have to be careful about advertising ideas: "It never would have happened if I had been here. I took a week off--first vacation in eight years and this bookish copywriter they kept in the back room at the agency happened to get loose at the same time--a coincidence, I guess--and he sells my second in command on this "Shakespearean Shoutdown Sell-A-Thon" promotion. He's got my salesmen prancing around in tights with codpieces and swords hanging off their belts dragging the floor--every time they turn around I've got another scratched unit lined up for the body shop! Anyway, when the ups hit the floor, one salesman was supposed to pipe up to another salesman like an aside on stage, with something like, "What ho, stableman, equip this noble venturer with the finest steed quartered in your care--and let the price be fair--fair as his visage,' or if it was a woman, 'fair as this damsel's skin'."
   "And the other salesman would chime in with 'Nay, oh, nay, good sir. The finest steed, but at a fair price cut in twain! That ever after he love us twice the measure'--I don't remember all the nonsense he put us through. The upshot of it was sales were zip and we lost money in a lawsuit brought by a lady who fainted from fright over a sword fight between the F & I man and a disgruntled salesman whose prospect's credit was nixed by the same F & I man. The lady had a bad heart. She was OK. Her lawyer told us she sued just in case. Worse yet, the F & I man got sulky and quit on us two weeks later. Best F & I man I ever had!"
   "So you can see why we're scared about handing over our advertising to new people. But the agency we're with now has us into clowns and hot dogs. They don't have a lot of ideas, but they get our advertising out on time--usually.
"Now, the hot dog crowd does buy cars sometimes and the clowns occasionally, accidentally help sell a car, but we want a stronger, more upscale, unified image here at 'In & Out.'"
   Mr. Nice Guy took his cue to speak: "We'll emphasize a highly competent, well-established dealership capable of competitive pricing due to dependably high monthly volume. Throw in a fanatic dedication to service, a vast selection of cars and trucks, and salesmen with the highest business ethics in the car business and we'll have 'em lined up around the block."
   "Sounds good," Chuck Jamm admitted.
   Mr. Nice Guy cleared his throat. "Any ordained ministers on your sales force?"
   Chuck Jamm shifted uneasily in his chair. "Only five of my twelve salespeople are actually ordained ministers. Of the seven others, three have not yet graduated from divinity school, two are rabbis, and one is a deacon."
   "That's only six. What about the other guy?"
   "Well, he does pray a lot--especially around the end of the month."
   Mr. Nice Guy nodded confidently. "With material like this, I can put together a campaign guaranteed to build heavy floor traffic for "In & Out."
   "Great," Chuck Jamm exclaimed. "And we want our advertising to really stand out!"
   "Uh-oh!" Mr. Nice Guy thought to himself. He remembered his first car dealer account. The owner had asked him to create advertising that would generate floor traffic and "stand out."
Mr. Nice Guy had done just that with a campaign he called "Satisfy The Senses." The newspaper ads were graphically striking but conservative in content. The radio spots, however, featured a customer who actually "tasted" the cars and proclaimed them "All in good taste," then there was a quick, low voiced disclaimer saying "Automobiles are not edible--don't try this at home."
   The campaign was a big success. Floor traffic went up immediately. Sales went up. People called on the telephone just to say how much they liked the commercial.
   But on the third day of the campaign the owner called Mr. Nice Guy into his office and said he wanted to kill the campaign right away.
   Mr. Nice Guy was perplexed. Everything was going great. At that moment the showroom was full of buyers. He pointed out the obvious success to the owner.
   "I don't care," the owner growled. I don't like the campaign. Nobody else on the street is doing anything like this." He rustled up the newspaper ads of his competition. All the ads were the same old usual ho-hum phrases. The car dealer called out the themes with emotion in his voice: "Midnight Madness. Below Invoice Close-Out. Factory Authorized Savings!" He put the paper down. "Our advertising is too different," he complained. "How can I face the other dealers. They're making fun of my advertising!"
   "But the results..." Mr. Nice Guy protested.
   "I don't care about results!" the dealer snapped. "Tone down our advertising! Here--why don't you do something like this?" He indicated an ad that said, "$2,000 for your trade! Push it in!"
   So Mr. Nice Guy reluctantly used headline campaigns suggested by the dealer, resulting in marvels such as "Factory Orders Us To Sell Our Cars!" "We're Overstocked Because We're Dummies!" and, best of all, "Clearance!"
   Sales returned to a dull normal (a percent or two above the year before) and Mr. Nice Guy might have kept the account, but the dealer's favorite nephew started an ad agency and, naturally, the dealer handed him the account.

   At their least meeting, the dealer proudly showed to Mr. Nice Guy the newspaper ad that inaugurated the nephew's new advertising strategy: "We gots too many cars."
   "The kid's a genius!" the dealer beamed.
   Mr. Nice Guy nodded solemnly.
   After saying good bye and shaking hands with Chuck Jamm, Mr. Nice Guy stepped out into the blazing sunlight. He saw two clowns sitting on the curb, chatting amiably over hot dogs.

(To be continued)

Metro-Glamour Magazine

Fiction

A Paper Movie

The Christmas Story

Mr. Nice Guy's Nice Luck

The Plumber's Radio Show

Mr. Nice Guy's Nice Design

Mr. Nice Guy's Nice Account

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